Below are the 2 most recent journal entries recorded in spastichedgehog's LiveJournal:

Sunday, March 5th, 2006
6:52 am	Up at 6 AM.... again Well, here's some 6 AM thoughts. I am going to try and get to the YMCA today, no matter what. This is my goal. I need to exercise, I need to work these sore, complaining muscles. The difficulty is managing to say "yeah, the sink is full of dirty dishes, the house is a mess, the laundry needs folding, but I need to get outside and see people more than I need to spend time cleaning." Cleaning is a treadmill anyway, you never manage to get where you're going, you just keep running. Here goes. I'm going to try and get back to sleep with a minimum of muscle pain. Ron sometimes says, "if you're in pain during the night, wake me up, and I'll massage you so you can get to sleep." But I hate to wake him up. It seems so mean. Frankly, if I was the well person and someone woke me up I wouldn't be too happy about it. But then again, it's been so many years since I have been "well," I don't really remember what it was like. I have vague memories that seem incredible to me, kind of like how Superman would feel if he lost his powers and was looking back on what he used to be able to do 10 years ago. "No kidding? You mean I really could fly?! Huh." The stuff I used to be able to do (run a mile in gym class, go up the stairs without pain, move furniture, even bend over to pick stuff up from the floor) seems like... it was a part of a different me, in a different lifetime. (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 4th, 2006
9:22 am	I'm completely as bad as Ron about updating. Ok here it goes, another attempt to start a livejournal. What is this, my 4th? One was randomly spammed, I forgot the password to another, and well, here's me, starting my 3rd. Let's hope this one takes. I have been keeping a pen and paper journal the past year or so, though. Maybe I'll transcribe a few of those entries, if I ever get the time. I'm up at 9:24 AM on a Saturday morning (sacriledge! Why would I get up so early!?) Mainly because I can't sleep. About 3 or 4 months ago I began having trouble sleeping more than 2 or 3 hours in a row. My muscles start aching, they get so horribly painful I feel like I want to just kill myself. I don't use that term lightly. Pain really fucks up your view of reality. I knew it was getting bad when I walked past the open door to the basement stairs, looked at them, and through a haze of muscle spasms and pain, thought "hmmm, maybe if I throw myself down those stairs, it would help my pain." Seriously, that actually made sense to me for about a minute. Then the brainfog cleared and I was like "WTF... why would I even think that?" But for a second, it made perfect sense- I figured the new pain from broken bones and whatnot would actually serve as a distraction from the muscle pain. Don't worry. I'm not suicidal. I'm just... in a hell of a lot of fucking pain. And yes, I already take pain medicine for this pain. It's pretty strong stuff- Oxycontin (great, now I bet the D.E.A. is motitoring this journal.) Well, Big Brother, I take it BY PRESCRIPTION and my prescriptions all come from ONE DOCTOR so there's nothing wrong with that. Actually I don't know if this is a lupus-caused pain or what. There has been some talk by various doctors I've seen who say my pain is more like fibromylagia or even multiple sclerosis, not lupus. All I know is, it hurts to sleep, it hurts not to sleep. It hurts to sit up, it hurts to walk, it hurts to.... geeze. Everything. The only thing that doesn't hurt is taking a bath. Hm, actually that sounds pretty good. I'm going to hop in the tub and see if a hot bath will help. Sorry about all this griping. This is no way to start a journal. But then again, I hate people who try and put a rosy face on a completely intolerable situation. My mom is one of those people. "Oh, I know a mass murder occurred yesterday in Iraq, but let's look at the bright side..." (This is an actual quote from her. Sometimes life just sucks. Period. (BTW, if you don't know who I am, and I've added you to my friends list, it's because you're a user of #wtnet and I knew you once upon a time, or else it's because I knew you when I was on L.J. as "pokernose.") Current Mood: sore (Comment on this)